of yesterdays

if you know me, you would know that i am a pretty happy chirpy kid.

yesterday was odd, i felt a feeling i thought i could not describe. It was bothering me the whole night, but then i thought about it today. and i found out what it was. it was remorse. a feeling i haven't felt in a long time. it was awful. i was in a crowded place, with music and people, by my mind was wandering and my heart was fluttering, and i couldn't have felt more alone.

by that was yesterday. today i am happy im back again.

finally got my nose pierced, wanted to get it done for the longest time. 

have a good weekend. 

february begins

The rain has finally stopped. This morning i was waken by sunlight peeking through my window.

As i sit under this old tree,the wind blowing against my face and ants creeping on top of me, i cant help to think of how quick time has passed. Its February! January swooshed by as i handed in my final year project.

Also how fast my dad's health has deteriorated the past three weeks. He is not not able to walk as he has difficulties breathing.  The other day i while i was sitting in front of him, i was thinking, i could barely recognize my own father. He is stick thin, the effect of not being able to eat. The last few days i sat with him through his meals. He craves for certain food, but sticks to steamed fish mainly. Today, he wanted to eat grilled cencaru with lime and onion sauce, just like the ones we find at ikan bakar places. He finished his first fish and said, Sarah, get me another half a fish! I was delighted. Today was a good day. I think he's happy his children are back. Some days, not too good.

The other day, we were discussing faith. He talked about how Chinese people are versatile,although Buddhist they believe in other gods as well, for example my grandma would bring them to the Hindu God, witness the procession of chariots. And how on one incident some people made fun of the god and they ended up in a trance thus every year they would need to break coconuts to appease the gods.

And then he moved on to Islam and Christianity. He said, I pray to Jesus Christ you know. More than to Buddha. My dad, who never believed in Jesus Christ, prays to him. He said, he is a savior, i pray to him. I don't really pray to Buddha cause Buddha has already passed on. Jesus is among us. Do you think just cause i am not a christian i will go to hell? I don't think so. He adds on.

I think a good man like you will have a place in heaven :) for sure

bunnies and merry go rounds

i will only hope that things will turn for the better, for you, for us

wee hours in the morning

It's 5.45am in the morning and i can hear the azan calling...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness

i miss home.

round round the bush, like a teddy bear

have you moved on too fast that the waves have washed everything that was once meaningful to you?

yes, i suppose past tenses does not exist in your world.

or it does and you are to afraid to come to par with them.

i miss you

dream a little dream of you

sometimes i wonder why when I've finally let you go at the back of my head, you come crashing into my dreams.

i woke up tired, as i was constantly searching for you.

To dream that you are searching for something, signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem.

ever since you've gone my mind has been bombarded with what if's

I remember the swimming pool so vividly in my dream after i awoke. The clear blue water,people doing laps and coming in and out and then you were there.

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your unconscious emotions.

To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts.To see an empty swimming pool in your dream, suggests that you are literally feeling empty and devoid of emotions.

i managed to call you on your cell phone but you were busy and did not want to talk.

and then i rushed back and i was at my childhood home, i planned to invite you to a musical play that evening when outside i saw there were two ladies in the car waiting to pick you up.

You were right there in my house, i ran upstairs checked every single room, yet we never crossed paths. maybe just like my dream, we are never meant to be, and those past hurts were meant to be washed away.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Rumpelstiltskin

i don't understand how you're the only person who can trigger my emotions until i am no longer in control of them.

*rips heart out*

never ever

had a dream. it was bad, cause you were in it.

i never want to go back to that place and time again.

it was a phase when i became beastly and dark.

wouldn't say that it was a mistake, just that we were never meant to be.

never ever.

simple pleasures

weekend was filled with time spent with family

time for celebrating and catching up...

time to go visit my grand mama's home and play under the ciku tree

time to go look for durian's with cousins...

time to use your senses to see if the durian is ripe...

time to pick up the durian....

time to sit on the grass and enjoy the durian, it was awesome!

Gavin loves durian...inherited the Asian genes
time to take pictures with our mums home....

okay my time to.....ya da ya da thing is getting boring.... this is the abandoned chicken coop. when mama was alive, we had turkey, chicken, duck, geese and i would wake up in the morning to go collect eggs.

iron brass bed that we used to sleep in as kids. its like a freaking beautiful bed with opal engraved in it.......

this well is situated next to the kitchen area.. now three fishes live inside. Every time we go back to mama's house, we feel emo, cause its all falling apart.

I never met my mum's dad, but I heard that he was a man who lived a good life, always dressed in a white suit, smoke pipes and plays the violin.

I met my grandmama, she left us when i was about 5. I always remember her donned in her kebaya and sarong, with a sanggul. She was just like how her children described her, patient. She was uneducated, but very smart.

so sad i see other people got grandparents but i don't.

i should be grateful that i still have my parents. yesh.

Lovesssssssssssssssssss you

somewhere only we know

do you stick to what you strongly feel about, or do you make sacrifices and move on?

peekabo where are you

you have always been at the back of my heart

loves loves

hey soul sister

reality sometimes comes kicking you in the face without you knowing it.

most of the time when it hits, it hits real hard, leaving me feel like Ive lost a part of myself.

it may take you something, some place, or somewhere to realize it
but i guess you would have to just perk up and move on

today was indeed a day where i saw a whole whirlwind of emotions.

i realize that when people break down, most of the time your egoness are striped away from you, and there you are, bare, naked, just you and your real self.

anyways, hey, heey, heeeeey,
your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains,
i knew i wouldn't forget you,
and so i went and let you blow my mind............

but you only meant well

when i cant sleep because i am afraid of the dark,

i close my eyes and think of the memories that we shared,

where nothing else in the world mattered,

where the sound of laughter and contentment washes away all evil,

and puts me to sleep.

consistent

im not scared of you,
because i know you will never hurt me

maybe i'm wrong

paradise is very nice

somehow every memory i had of you is rather perfect..

blah...

one more test to go....

blah....

laterz

goodbye stranger

today i feel like i am at the bottom of the world.

The whole day I could hear my neighbors dog whining and wailing... he stays a few houses down, but i could hear him whenever i step into the kitchen.

Felt kinda hopeless cause i couldn't do anything, mum says its not nice to tell people how to take care of their dogs.

Another neighbor told my mum that the dog had some kind of infection, he was an Alsatian, i walked down the street to have a look at him, he was dark brown, almost black in color.

At about around 7, when my mum passed through the doggy's house, she saw a vet taking him away and the owner said they were putting him to sleep..

I guess that would be the best decision....

He lived his whole life at a small compound at the back of their house, probably never been taken for a walk or had an opportunity to play catch but never reluctant to guard their house whenever a stranger passes by.

................................

i hope you're in heaven now enjoying a big bone steak or playing chase with other buddies up there.

;-)